I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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