My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
