you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
