Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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