saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
