I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
