what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
