Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
