one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
