when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm both gender and math confused
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
