i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
