How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
