if i can run in heels then i can drive
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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