I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
