using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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