I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
