I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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