Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
