Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
