The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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