i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize