I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
