Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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