Already got asked if we're dating
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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