I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize