fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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