You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
