Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
