If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
