Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
