to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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