I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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