walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
