I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
