so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
