I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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