When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
