So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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