Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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