my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
