I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
