so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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