I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The uberlube is also flammable
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
