i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
