I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
