I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
