I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
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I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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