I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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