we're blogging at a bar
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
