I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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