She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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