Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
