the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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