my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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