If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
