I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
